You Are Absolutely Baffled that People Still Ask How You Feel About LeBron

In lieu of LeBron James’ greatest career feat of all time over the Bobcats, I thought that we could knock this one off the list finally. To quote the “King” himself, “The man above has given me some unbelievable abilities to play this game of basketball,” via a postgame interview. “I try to take advantage of it each and every night.” WELL ISN’T THAT JUST FANTABULOUS?! We are SO glad that God is on your side down in sunny Miami! I’m curious, if or when LeBron leaves the Heat, will monstrous hellbeasts ascend from the souls of every person in Miami and rapture the city to a bloody, grotesque oblivion? I’m fairly certain that that is what out-of-towners believe happened to Cleveland when LeBron left us high and dry after denying us the Championship.

Whenever I travel outside of Cleveland and strike friendly conversation with the general public, the moment they realize where I am from they all react the same. Their faces tend to contort into a horrendous look of trepidation, terror and satisfaction (all in that order) because of the mere fact of what comes out of their mouth next. “So how do you feel about LeBron leaving?” It honestly never ceases to amaze me that I’m still asked this question regularly. IT’S BEEN 4 YEARS PEOPLE. GET OVER IT. Yet they cannot. They cannot let go of the fact that we were so close! Yet so far.

I like to think that in a perfect Cleveland world, we won every single Championship following his abandonment from the Cavs, but then I come back to my mundane world, and the concise reality that we are a cursed city that hadn’t won a championship with or without LeBron since oh… EVER. 9 times out of 10, if you’re a true Clevelander you do one of two things, politely yet unskillfully laugh it off and abrubtly change the subject. This usually happens in sober times of joy and merriment, or after a few beers and shots of fireball, your eyes glaze over and a hellacious cretin that only comes out whilst talking Cleveland sports takes over your body and spews venemous, horrid tales of the bastard man that stole our chance. OUR ONE TRUE CHANCE AT VICTORY!

All in all, as a Clevelander myself, I have to admit that there is a teeny, tiny, itty, bitty place in my heart that’s made of stone. LeBron is there and will stay there for as long as I am living. WITNESS THAT PUNKASS.

In conclusion, how can you tell the difference between LeBron James and a tree?

A TREE HAS MORE RINGS. Burn. Suck it. Facial.

Back From Hiatus!

I’d like to be clever and blame my 4 years of not updating this on a POLAR VORTEX, but alas I cannot honestly blame the weather. I’m not really sure why I gave up on this, I had a blast writing about my hometown. This all started as a small task I assigned myself (back when I was a marketing assistant) to branch out into the world of blogging and social media. At 20 years old, with no real blogging experience or surefire grasp of social media at the time, I mostly wrote for myself. I had never expected my daily/weekly posts to be seen or heard by much of anyone. Time passed and I left my job, which included access to a computer full time, and I fell off the blogging bandwagon. Now here I am, 24 years old, bored to tears and all the time in the world to invest into something that’s fun! I’ve decided to start my blog back up and with that decision I decided to bring it on over to tumblr.  After deciding that tumblr is the demon itself as far as posting and keeping record and track of my posts, I have come full circle and decided to stay with wordpress. Maybe one day I shall figure out how to navigate that beast of a site tumblr. In any case, I hope you enjoy, fellow Clevelanders, this one’s for you!

You’ve Never Ridden In a Taxi

Taxis

You’ll come across a lot of things in downtown Cleveland, big yellow taxis are not one of them. Very rarely do I see taxis within the city limits. They’re usually buzzing around the airport or the bar scene in Lakewood. they don’t even remotely resemble the typical taxi you’d see in New York City. They’re usually maroon in color, I believe that is the Westlake Express taxi company. They often remind me of unmarked police cars, undercovers, creeps…

There have been several occasions in which I have walked down the street at night or even during the afternoon and a cab driver has sat in his car staring daggers at me as I pass. I try to not make eye contact for the mere fact that I feel like these bastards are stalking me sometimes. I’ve seen them literally sit in the street for an hour at a time “waiting” for someone to get in their cab. I’m not sure how the taxi cab business works, but I’m pretty sure acting like a creepy P.I. isn’t in their job description.  No offense to taxi cab drivers, I’m sure you mean no harm, but there are a select few that look as though they were axe murderers before landing their job as a chauffeur.

Well in short, I’ve managed to somehow find myself in a taxi before, not in Cleveland, but the outside ‘burbs. It was by no means what one would call a pleasant experience. It smelled like urine and cigarettes. There was crusty substance on the backs of the driver and passenger seats which I will not go into detail about, and the flatulence being released by the cab driver every five minutes smelled like his stomach had fallen out of his ass. I would not suggest taking a cab, not that cab at least. I can’t remember which company it was , but it was Awful with a capital A!

In conclusion, you’d probably be better off riding a bike or bumming a ride from one of your friends. Thank god taxi’s aren’t the main source of transportation in Cleveland!

You’re Polish

Polka Magic

Polka! Polka! Polka! Grab your white socks and black shoes it’s a Polish party! Prepare the peirogi’s and head on down to Parma or Slavic village, careful of all the Polish immigrants though. If you’ve ever been through Cleveland towards the end of August I’m sure you’ve heard the accordians blasting at the  Polish Heritage Festival.  I don’t know much about the festival itself as I’ve never been, but you can bet you’re kielbasa it is the largest gathering of Polish people in Ohio!

You Don’t Really Know Any Homosexuals, You Just Know There Are a Lot of Them In Lakewood

Lakewood, Ohio

Lakewood, Ohio. The third largest city in Cuyahoga, not EXACTLY Cleveland, but close enough. Home to many things, and many people. Just to list a few:  Aladdin’s Eatery, Malley’s Chocolates, Dennis Kucinich (hah..), the highest concentration of vegetarians and vegans, The Beck Center for the Arts, and of course, last but not least homosexuals.

I have nothing against gay men, I see them everyday, as I live on the border of Cleveland and Lakewood. There is a gay bar right down the street from my house next to one of my favorite bars, Now That’s Class. It is ironically called The Hawk. Every so often men drift from the Hawk over to Now That’s Class to mingle with the young people whom hang out there. We all just seem used to it I suppose, rarely is anyone phased by their presence.

However, I’d say just about every person who has visited Lakewood, or heard about it has heard of it being full of gay men. “Oh, they’re everywhere, doing it everywhere, blah blah blah.” False. There is quite a substantial gay community in Lakewood, however they do not parade around as if they’re owed something, and they certainly aren’t “doing it” on the sidewalk in the open. Or maybe they are and I’ve just been oblivious to this…

I personally enjoy being around gay guys. As awkward as that may sound. They’re just so sassy and fun and dramatic I love it. I recall going to My Friends restaurant which just so happens to be down the street from my house now and I was sitting at a table next to a couple of cross dressers. They had to be some of the funniest people I’ve ever met. But that’s besides the point.

So, I suppose unless you live in the area you’ll always hear about the homosexuals that live in Lakewood, but in reality, they’re no more present then most other people. If you ever see one, say hi! They don’t bite.

You Know About the Eastside/Westside Rivalry But Don’t Really Understand It

East vs. West

I thought this specific topic was acceptable for today because I was just discussing this rivalry with a friend. I grew up in a small suburb outside of Cleveland known as Columbia Station. For first time visitors they’d probably consider it a rural area considering there’s really only two main roads passing through the town, but… semantics. My friend grew up on the east side of Cleveland.

During our lengthy conversation we came to several conclusions. The first being that most people do not even know what is actually considered West or East side. Where I grew up I would not consider that the West side, yet a suburb known as Berea which is about 5 minutes from my parents house is apparently West side. On the East side, they face the same sort of problem. Is downtown considered East side? What about the West side market? There’s so many boundaries that it’s virtually impossible to break each side down.

As far as actual gangs go, I did a little research and found the top 10 gangs in Cleveland along with a map of their territories. Many of them I’m familiar with some I’ve never heard of, regardless you can tell the obvious areas of east/west side separation.

A question I posed was other than gangs why do normal kids, teenagers, young adults, etc. feel the need to have this rivalry? Just because a city separates two parts of a state doesn’t mean anything. They’re just geographically different places. I’ll never understand it, and I belive that’s why this blog is titled as such. Most Clevelanders aren’t aware of the reason for this East vs. West side thing. Other than maybe drugs, money, or arms who knows? I’d like to know your thoughts!

You Take Credit For Cedar Point Even Though It’s An Hour Away

Top Thrill Dragster, Cedar Point

The 364 acre Roller Coaster Capital of the World. Home of 17 roller coasters, including Top Thrill Dragster which is the second fastest and tallest in the world…in Sandusky. Of course Clevelanders would take credit for this place. It’s a heaven on earth for thrill enthusiasts around the world.

If you’ve never been to Cedar Point, GO. It’s an experience of a lifetime I promise you. Not only because of the rollercoasters and water parks, but also because of the great diversity of people you’ll see walking around the place. Now, I’m not a very judgemental person, but to be completely honest, you get ALL kinds at Cedar Point. The majority of them look something like this:

White Trash

…

Hoooo-weee. Yeeeee-hawww. Hot damn!

No.

I hope the vast majority of people who go to Cedar Point do not see Clevelanders as resembling the above photographed as the cream of the Cleveland crop because they are NOT. They’re an awful eye sore at such a fun place.

Can you imagine standing in line for 2 hours to ride the Millenium Force, it’s 90 degrees outside, there’s not a breeze or cloud, and you’re standing next to one of them. The sight is terrible, the stench is awful, and the language they speak sounds like it’d be fluent among in-breds. Although in actuality, it probably is in some parts of the world. So if you ever venture to Cedar Point keep in mind, every white trash asshole you come across is NOT a representation of Cleveland, we just like to take credit for it…unknowingly!

You See Christmas Lights Still Up In July

Tacky

Picture this.

It’s almost 9 pm on a Saturday night, it’s a sweltering 90 degrees still, even though the sun is set. You decide to take a little drive in the air-conditioned car considering your central air in the house is either non-existent or broken. You pull out of your driveway and on to the street and drive down the road a little way only to roll your eyes at the sight of Christmas lights STILL hanging up in your neighbor’s yard.

This always embarrasses me a little bit, not because I dislike Christmas or decorations but because of the mere fact that my neighbors are tacky and altogether too lazy to get their asses outside to take down something that took them longer to put up. All too often I hear the excuse “Well I mean, I’m just going to put them up again next year…”.

NO.

My excuse of, “Mom, why should I make my bed? I’m just going to sleep in it again…” NEVER worked so neither can yours Clevelanders. Really, the nerve of this city. 8.3 percent of the city is unemployed anyways SO there really is no technical excuse for not being a bum and leaving your decorations up all year.

Let’s try to get classy this year and take down the lights in a timely fashion, I’d say sometime after New Years, and by sometime I do NOT mean the middle of summer when Christmas has been over for 7 months. Your neighbors and out of towners will appreciate the gesture, and not be confused as to what month and/or holiday it is.

You Take Dead Man’s Curve at 60 MPH and Hold Your Breath

Dead Man's Curve

Dead Man’s Curve is the near 90 degree angle stretch of  I-90 just outside of downtown Cleveland. The warned speed limit for said turn is 35 mph, but can be taken at 50 mph… on a good day. Leave it to experienced Clevelanders who think that since they can manuever through 10″ of snow in winter they can take the most dangerous curve in Cleveland at 60+ mph without breaking a sweat.

I’ve had my own encounters with Dead Man’s Curve and I can honestly say it’s quite the experience. If it weren’t for the rumble strips strategically placed a few hundred feet before the turn I probably would not pay enough attention to at least attempt to slow my vehicle down before mangling myself against the concrete barrier that lies ahead.

Talk has been circulating for years about realigning the Curve, yet the city has not made any public announcement to do so, not any that I’m aware of at least. I once heard a man talking about the Curve on the rapid before. He said they should change the name to “Slow Down or You Might Get Hurt Curve”. If you think about it though, a curve with the word DEAD in it can’t even get the attention of people to make them slow down, I doubt a fluffed up version of the name will do any better.

The best advice I can give to Clevelanders or people traveling from out of town is stick to the middle lane, hold on for dear life, and try to pay enough attention to the rumble strips to slow your ass down before you crash!

You Know All 4 Seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter & Road Construction

North Coast Harbor

For as long as I have lived in or around Cleveland, I can honestly say that one thing in this city that is never consistent is its weather. Now don’t get me wrong, I am aware to the fact that it tends to get much colder in other places, such as Chicago or even New York City, but for the love of God, have you ever spent a year in Cleveland weather? I don’t even know if I could even begin to encapsulate how deviant it really is.

I’m sure all of us have been acquainted with those god awful orange cones that never seem to abscond no matter how long construction has been going on. I know first hand how relentless the orange bastards are, one of them ripped the side mirror off of my very first car. I’ve seen people fly like a bat out of hell in their cars full speed at those damn cones and they always seem to do more damage to the car than the car to the cone.

We have the weather to thank for this though! When it snows, the snow plows come out (sometimes…), they plow the street and throw down salt (hopefully…), they manage to tear up half the street on their way because the broke ass city couldn’t afford to repave the street. They just kept piling on tar and gravel until it looked like a car would make it over without falling in a 5 foot deep pothole. It’s a never-ending cycle that will always be there. If you live in Cleveland, you know this. If you plan on moving to Cleveland, you better take some crash courses in driving through snow/hell 101 because you’re in for a wild ride!

All in all, I still love this city. You really do get used to the biting cold after a while, plus if you look on the bright side, at least it’s not Antarctica or anything!